Success or Failure?

When I decided to home school my children, it was a painstaking decision process for me. I weighed the pros and the cons of the situation. I prayed about it. I polled my friends. I spent countless hours hung in that horrible ambivalence and indecision. I wanted someone to tell me that I was doing the right thing and that everything was going to be okay. But truthfully when I made the decision, I knew I had taken a huge leap of faith, but I worried they wouldn’t be successful. That I wouldn't be successful...

The first year my oldest was in 4th grade, the next in 2nd grade, the third in Kindergarten and the youngest in a preschool curriculum. I did my best to be as organized as possible and we formed a true classroom in our home. The room above our family room was an open loft. The neighbor across the street had given us a full size classroom chalkboard. We bought school desks and chairs from a school manufacturer. Bookshelves, bulletins boards, all kinds of colorful grammar and science posters filled the room. We were visibly ready for sure. I took things very seriously and we all pushed ourselves academically. We were ready to succeed, afraid to fail...

The kids juggled seats. I juggled hats. We made it work and we had so much fun. We took great vacations and filled our lives with piano lessons, art classes, science projects and field trips. It was so refreshing and exciting. The kids were learning. In fact, they excelled beyond what the curriculum called for and I saw each of my children thriving in a fabulous environment. But due to my own insecurity, I held fast to many boundaries out of fear that I would fail my children otherwise.

The one thing that I made sure that they stuck vehemently to was that they worked independently most of the time. I would go over the instructions with them but then turned them loose. For the most part, I could trust them to work diligently and to their greatest potential. I prided myself on the fact that I was instilling the love of learning. But I checked their work every day. We went over mistakes. They had deadlines. They knew when work was due. They knew clearly what my expectations were and that it was their job to meet those expectations. There were daily chores. There were rules. Lots of them. There were no short cuts. I wanted success for all of us!

Once the two oldest reached the 8th and 6th grade levels, I no longer saw that diligence in them. Our power struggles began. The lesson manuals were written to the students at this point and not the teacher. At this age and level, the students were expected to work on their own for the most part and get help as necessary from their learning guide. We had homeschooled for 4 years as of then and I was ready for them to take the wheel especially since the younger two required more one on one teaching. They were easily distracted and schoolwork was being done complacently. I sadly realized that this was evolving into a teen situation. I worried we had reached the end of the line because I didn’t trust my ability to continue with their attitudes. I threatened them with returning to school if I didn't feel like they were improving. Secretly, I hoped they would not take it that far. If I had to send them back, wouldn't it mean that I had failed?

I had always believed that independence, responsibility and accountability were the most important things I wanted them to accomplish in their education process at home. When I felt that this was no longer an increasingly positive situation, I hesitantly decided to send them to our local public school. It broke my heart. I thought that being home with me was detrimental to their education at that point. Besides, I had threatened them with a consequence regarding their lack of motivation. I felt that I would be failing as a parent to keep them home. I believed I had to follow through on that consequence in order for them to succeed.

When they tested for their placement, they scored on very advanced levels and I felt proud. I was so relieved that the homeschooling had been successful academically and not just socially. I felt justified. (It is funny that everyone always questions the social aspect of homeschooling. That was the least of my concerns. We were so active and busy I knew that was not an issue.) But secretly I always worried that the schools were ahead of my home schooling education standards. Mostly due to the fact that, to hear the other mothers talk, all of their children were clearly headed to MIT very shortly. They talked about Algebra in 6th grade, Honors level classes and all sorts of standardized test scores. I had not done standardized testing with my children. I hadn’t felt it necessary in the grand scheme. It was clear to me they were intelligent beings; I didn’t need a number to tell me that. Obviously we had been successful and I could, in good conscience continue to school the younger two at home.

Roughly 2 weeks into the 8th grade, my eldest son came home from school. He bounded through the door yelling at me. “Well, I just want you to know that it is official! My education has come to a complete standstill. Thank you very much for sending me to school. I am bored out of my mind.” Additionally, he talked of the things the kids were doing in school. We had a very open and honest relationship and he was forthcoming with many stories. We counseled them to the best of our ability but were shocked by the mounting consequences of sending them to school. I was beside myself. I was perplexed. Again I was filled with doubt. I couldn’t make the right decision to save my life. Didn't returning them to school on an advanced level mean that we had been successful? Or did sending them to a morally corrupt situation mean that we were failing to do the right thing?

It wasn’t too much longer after that, I was easily convinced that I had made the wrong choice in returning my kids to public schooling. Every day another incident would confirm that I made a mistake. Yet, I never took them out of the school. I told myself that this was LIFE and they needed to get along in the world and figure things out. I convinced myself that my 11 and 13 year old children needed to tough it out and find their way in order to be successful. I told myself that this was my fault because I had brought them home and protected them too much and that was my failure. But in the back of my mind there was a small nagging voice telling me I needed to bring them home. I ignored it. I ignored it for weeks that became months and for my 11 year old, months that became years. I believed that voice was something too motherly trying to protect them from the reality of the world that would smother them in an unhealthy manner. Yet I continued to home school the younger two – knowing that there wasn’t a chance I’d let them set a foot in the school. I thought, "I may have failed the older two, but I will succeed with the younger two."

I still waited for the two oldest to become more independent. I waited for the responsibility to kick in. The accountability. After all, I sent them back to school because I had believed I was failing in that department with them and looked to the organized, educational establishment to help them succeed. Certainly, the strict rules and regulations of public school and the confinement of their teachers classrooms’ would eventually provide some sort of structure enough that my children would respect the consequences of underachievement and become hardworking students. But it just didn’t happen.

In addition to the fact that I have 4 children, 2 dogs, 1 cat and a guinea pig, I do not have the time, let alone the interest, in being a helicopter parent. “Did you do your homework?” “Let me see it.” “I’ll check it.” “Project?” “I’ll help!” Blah. Blah. Blah. When I was in school, I felt responsible for my own work and grades. Mom and Dad would ask occasionally, “…Do your homework?” and naturally I had. If not, my plans to do them were not far off. I didn’t feel like I had to do it because I would get in trouble. I just knew it was my job and truthfully it was important to me to do the work and to do well in school. I didn’t want to be confronted by my teachers. I didn’t want to disappoint any teacher that believed in my ability to be successful. I knew my teachers would ask. They would follow up. It was important to me that I appeared to be a "good student". After all, they were forming a reputation of sorts about me weren't they?Now there were countless times I procrastinated and upon reflection of my education, I most certainly did not work up to my potential. If I had, the grades would have been different for sure. But, I was happy with casual A’s and B’s with the occasional C because I chose not to get help. Besides I didn’t have to kill myself to do the work and I was making honor roll. I was succeeding.

So, I would not hover over my children with their schoolwork. I had taught them at home for years. I knew their potential. They needed to find their own way. I talked with my pastor. He agreed. He even equated it to them finding their own faith. They needed to find their own way. You teach them your beliefs and them it is up to them to make their way. My father always said, "You teach your kids right and wrong. But you can't be with them every minute of the day. When they are apart from you, they will make their own decisions and they are their decisions to make." They needed to make their own mistakes. Isn’t that why I sent them back in the first place? For goodness sakes, I could have them home watching every move they made and checking every grammar error and math problem while still taking fabulous vacations off season for much lower costs! Following that school schedule was a pain - homeschooling would have certainly been easier. But I believed formal schooling would require them to comply with steps for success or the consequences for failure in a way that home schooling could not.

Interestingly, I found school policies are different now. This meant that the values that I had hoped to instill were going to be conflicted. My children could take a test or quiz over if they didn’t do very well the first time. This made me unhappy. Why work hard to study the first time – knowing you had the opportunity to take it a 2nd time? After all, then you’ve seen the test and know exactly what to study for. Seemed like a no-brainer to me. I had never permitted my children to retake a test while homeschooling. They knew they had a test in every subject, every 20 lessons. They knew they needed to prepare accordingly. If they didn't - then they received the grade they had earned.

Group projects were something we became quickly acquainted with. Group projects require parental supervision and planning. Parents need to coordinate schedules, driving, supplies and supervision. I can’t tell you how many group projects were done at my house during those 3 years. Whoever thinks that you are going to get five 12-13 year old boys to sit down and work diligently on a project is clearly out of their mind. I would hear my son (or some others) begging for the others to cooperate and be serious. The clock would tick and very little would be accomplished. How much does a parent intervene? These aren’t my kids. This isn’t my project. Yet I would have to make sure that something is being accomplished on my watch, right? Who is responsible and accountable here? Oh that’s right, I am. Obviously, I am not a fan of the so-called “group project”. Basically, 1 or 2 kids do the work and the rest ride the coat tails of the others. They are a joke, yet used so frequently in our school systems. Why? Why should those that should fail, get to succeed because someone else was responsible?

Next, the ability for children to email schoolwork to their teachers is a ridiculous concept. I also feel that giving children the opportunity to turn things into some “inbox” at random times is unacceptable. The papers should be turned into the teacher on their desk and placed in their hands. Networks have problems. Computers have viruses. Papers get lost and misplaced. Besides, it is easy not to turn something in when the teacher is just going to look for it days later. Teachers and students need to look into each other’s eyes as a paper or assignment is turned in. Accountability. Responsibility. But that’s okay… The student will have numerous opportunities to turn in the same assignment that was due weeks ago. What does that teach about deadlines?

Additionally schools have begun to post all of the assignments and grades. Sometimes the teachers also send emails home to the parents notifying them each time their child didn’t complete something or turn it in. Hmmm. So that means, as a parent, I am expected to then say what to my child? Did you do your assignment? Why didn’t you turn it in? When did their failure become my responsibility? If he didn't do it, give him a failing grade. After all isn't that what he really deserves? When those failures add up to a bad report card, then I am responsible to provide the consequence - grounding, cell phone removal...whatever might say to my child, I expect more from you. But if I am constantly notified of every little assignment, I might as well be homeschooling those kids again. Give me a break. How about that teacher looking at my child and asking HIM what happened? How about forcing my child to be accountable to that teacher? How about my child having to explain to “his boss” why he didn’t do his job appropriately that day? Because when I ask him, he is going to give me all the excuses in the world and then am I supposed to sit over top of him and watch him do the work? WHY? I went to school. I did my work. This is about him, not me. And by the way, when I don’t show up prepared to do my job each day – I don’t get paid…in fact eventually I’ll be fired. No one is calling my mother or father. Let the consequences fall on the kids. The first time the due date is missed. Give the failing grade. That is real life.

Now don’t get me wrong. My kids have learned all sorts of things in school. Things they definitely wouldn’t have learned from me. I wouldn’t have taught them such clever ways to put down people. I wouldn’t have taught them how to cheat. I wouldn’t have had them repeat swear words after me. I wouldn’t have taught them how to befriend certain people to be kind to and to ostracize others. I wouldn’t have taught my children how important it is to be popular. I wouldn’t have taught my children different ways to get away with sex, drugs and alcohol. Now I understand these things are all a part of adolescence. But that wasn’t my reason for sending my kids to school. Academically we were in excellent standing. Remember I sent my kids to learn that in the world we need to be accountable and responsible for our own actions because there are consequences. Yet my kids didn't learn that. They learned that exceptions will be made repeatedly to help you succeed.

Interestingly enough, it is the first day of summer vacation and school is officially out. Today a teacher has called me to ask me if my son has turned in his research paper that was due 1 week ago. I sat on the phone reciting the banter between the two, thinking of the ridiculousness of it all. Why was I getting this phone call? What was going on? If he didn't do the assignment - give him the zero. This is actually what prompted me to write this blog today. I have been over and over this in my mind. Does he actually think that this is normal? If he was supposed to be there for the SATs on Saturday morning and he "forgets", is he expecting someone to offer for him to come on Sunday to take it alone?

Schools will tell you that this is a problem with the parents. .. that every parent wants Little Johnny to get an A because it isn’t “fair” otherwise. Parents will tell you that the schools are failing their children because they don’t have enough special attention or programs. When parents think their kids are an exception to a rule, why bother having a rule? When will parents get over the honors classes and the gifted programs? When will this generation of parents, refuse to “do” that science project? (When was the last time you looked at those science projects at the fair? Don't even tell me those children are doing those alone!)

I think the problem here is that parents see their child’s success or failure as their own? Little Johnny’s accomplishments are not to be worn as badges by the parents. No more than Little Johnny’s mistakes are reflections upon the parents. Little Johnny’s talents do not belong to mom or dad. Little Johnny’s grades do not belong to mom or dad. Little Johnny has to know that he only gets out of life what he puts into it – not what his mom or dad help him achieve. If Little Johnny wants to play on the Select Sports Team, he should because Little Johnny worked hard and deserves it, not because Little Johnny’s mom or dad called someone and complained or because Little Johnny’s dad is coaching. This generation has turned the schools into somewhere for their kids to swing the bat, miss 17 times and never be called out. This generation stopped giving trophies to the winners and starting giving trophies for participation. "Why work hard? We're all going to get a trophy with our name on it just because we showed up."

I’m sad to think that this generation of kids has so many “chances”. I‘m scared to think what kind of adults they will grow to be. I’m worried that we have made impressive test scores, select sport teams, etc. so important that we’ve lowered the bar to achieve them, rather than our children receiving impressive test scores and grades because of their own accountability and responsibility. In an effort for every child to be gifted and talented in everything they do in an extremely competitive world, no one is special anymore. Those that really do deserve acknowledgment for God given talents or just plain hard work are lumped with those that complain the loudest. These kids will grow up run companies, hold political offices, and more importantly raise their own children with those warped values that we allowed our society to implement.

I am looking for success for my child, so I will let them feel Failure. They need to feel how lousy it is – otherwise what motivation do they have to want to feel Success? But most importantly, I have already walked this walk – my childhood is over…when I became a parent, it was no longer about me…it is about them. I will let them be accountable and responsible for their own life’s journey. Maybe my child has a purpose that will change the world… I wouldn’t want to stand in the way because of interference on my part! I continue to home school my younger two children. They have never been in a formal school setting. It has been 8 years now. I still have moments that I worry about whether we are keeping up with what they would be doing in “real” school. I go to the Board of Education and I receive a review that tells me whether I am in compliance. That is how I am judging my own success. But in the end, I know that my kids know what I expect from them. I expect them to succeed and I expect them to fail. Both are necessary in growing up. Both are completely survivable. They have to be. That’s LIFE.