Can't We All Just Get Along?

I had all four of my children in a span just shy of six years. When my youngest was born, my oldest was five turning six in a little over two months. I did this intentionally.

Growing up it was just my brother and I and we were six and a half years apart. We had nothing in common and we were always in completely different stages of our lives. We didn't spend much time together.

I had friends that had large families with siblings close in age. I envied this. I liked the busyness of their homes and the relationships that the siblings had with each other. I wanted that kind of family.

When it was time to start my family, I wanted a boy first. I think it is because growing up I had always wished I had an older brother - someone to look out for me, I suppose, though I am not certain of the reason. When I found out it was a boy - I was excited.

When I got pregnant the next time, Son #1 was about 9 months old. Yes, it was intentional - and I hoped for another boy. I thought about how great it would be for them to be so close in age. They would be "buddies". They could entertain each other when they were younger and be friends when they were older.

From the beginning, Son #1 was very protective of his younger brother. He loved him dearly. He was eager to share with him and teach him what he had already learned. But Son #2 was a very determined child. He didn't want any help from his big brother. In fact, he wanted to do anything his big brother did but he wanted to do it better. The oldest brother was never able to basque in the glory of being the first or oldest because little brother was always right behind him challenging him. Son #2 began running, not walking, across our family room at 8 months old. His head was constantly covered in goose eggs from running into things or falling head first. But one thing was for certain, he wasn't going to let his big brother get around quicker than himself.

When Son #1 was 4 years old, we took him outside on our court to take his training wheels off and teach him to ride a two wheeler. After working on it for about 20 minutes, he finally had the hang of it and was proudly riding in circles while I videotaped him. He shouted out to his little brother, "Look at me! I'm really doing it!"

Big Mistake. At that moment, Son #2 broke out into a complete two and a half year old tantrum. He wanted to do it. He wanted the training wheels off of his own bike. Big brother tried to tell him that he was too young and one day he would do it like him. Son #2 would hear nothing of that.

We removed his training wheels believing that he would learn his lesson - albeit the hard way. The wheels were off. He jumped on. My husband held the back. He peddled like a demon. My husband let go and my two year old began to lap my four year old around the court.

I remember standing there in disbelief. I couldn't believe he was actually doing it. It was hard to be excited. My heart broke for my oldest son. I'll never forget the disappointment I saw in his eyes. The funny thing was he kept saying, "Good job!" over and over to his little brother. He was still encouraging him even though he was clearly hurt that he had lost his spotlight...again.

Throughout the years we have faced issue after issue between the two boys. Constant one upsmanship encircled the two of them. When they were homeschooled for four years, for the most part they got along. They were friends though there was always a competition of sorts. They shared a bedroom for ten years. I remember saying good night to them and listening to them talk to each other until they fell asleep. I loved that. One night Son #1 was away overnight and Son #2 was alone in the room. When I tucked him in he said, "I don't know how I will fall asleep all by myself."

Shortly after I sent them to public school the tensions between them escalated. With the onset of making friends and finding their separate cliques and clubs they became divided. One mocked the other and more battles unfolded. I was disappointed that there wasn't a more united brotherly stance between them. Somehow being back in school drove a wedge between them instead. With the onset of puberty in each of them - they butted heads more than ever and living together in the same room was wreaking havoc on the family. Son #1 moved into the guest room in the basement.

During all of this time, my husband and I would lecture, try to guide them into gentler approaches with each other. Heck, I even resorted to renting "My Three Sons" and "Leave It To Beaver", hoping to demonstrate a kinder relationship. I've watched open physical fights between the two. I've heard shouting matches. I've heard name calling and put down contests. I've seen blatant competitions and physical challenges of all sorts. From my perspective, it looks and sounds as if they just don't like each other. I think they love each other because they are brothers. They are family. But they would never choose the other for a friend.

Over the course of the summer, I've seen them spend more time together. Now, they still have their run-ins but it is nice to see them doing things where they choose to spend time together. It has been hard to watch them draw lines of territory between them. Showing possession over friends and excluding the other purposely--just for the sake of exclusion. I understand that they are pretty much night and day personalities. But so are my husband and I. Shouldn't opposites attract? The younger brother has just always wanted to be the big man on campus and he has been unwilling to let his older brother own his birthright. My oldest son has spent his entire life being constantly challenged by his younger brother.

Recently, I had a glimmer of hope. Son #1 turned sixteen. On his birthday my husband was away on a business trip. My son was disappointed that we had no plans to celebrate that day but would never have let on that he felt that way. His little sister would have her two hour dance lesson and I would take him to buy his school uniforms for the year. When I asked him what he had planned for the afternoon, he said he planned to read. Little did he know that Son #2 had orchestrated a group of friends to go to the movies that afternoon. They all showed up at the house and surprised him. I believe that he was happy to have plans but more importantly, I believe the gesture from his brother was the best gift he could have received.

It is hard to believe how fast the time has gone. It always felt like we had more time to work this thing out...it's been 15 years now. The oldest will be a Junior in high school this year and Son #2 will be a Freshman. They will be driving to school together and playing on the same sports teams. Perhaps they will find a way to connect and find some common ground to see each other respectfully. I am hopeful that they will even end up with fond memories of their time together in high school...maybe even a double date is in their future.

Because of the history that the two have shared, I don't know what will become of them as adults. I do know that as a mother it has been painful. It was never what I had planned. But from the get go it was who they were and what their relationship was. I would love for them to be united and never let anyone or anything come between them. That's what I always tried to instill in them about what family means. Family should take care of each other. They are both my children. I love them equally and I love them for what they are and I love them for what I know they strive to be. I also know that I will only have my family altogether under one roof for about 2 more years before the oldest leaves to embark on his own journey. Every night I pray that the two of them will find a way to appreciate each other and mend broken fences before then. They are so fortunate to have each other now. After the oldest leaves, it will never again be the same.