When Do You Say No?

I think one of the most difficult things in parenting is making choices that will affect the happiness of your child. I'm not talking about saying no to ice cream when they have already had cookies and making them unhappy. We all know there are things in life that our children seem to be drawn to whether they be hobbies, sports, or even people sometimes, that we as parents can see are not healthy for our children. Children are too young and naive to see the big picture and understand that perhaps an environment is not the appropriate place for them or that a person is not the best choice to trust. They are very trusting souls and see the world very differently than an educated adult. Probably one of the reasons why so many children are reported missing every year. They trusted someone - maybe for just a moment.

Through the years, I have made many choices that were difficult based on my sense of right and wrong. I tend to see things very black and white and I know that is not always good - but I do know that I have a very strong sense of what I feel is right or wrong morally and ethically based on how I want to raise my children and it has never been easy for me to go against those things I feel deeply within me. Especially when it concerns my children. We don't make references to "mama bears and their cubs" for no reason.

When my children were much younger I could keep tighter reins on those situations. I could encourage friendships with playdates of those that seemed to be positive influences. I could limit those that were negative. As they got older, that became more difficult. Children will make friends based on a variety of things. Perhaps they play the same sport, like the same clothes or something as simple as liking the same ice cream. In a perfect world, it would be great to allow friendships to bloom under such simplicity. But we don't live in a perfect world and as a parent I feel the need to show more discernment while raising my family.

I can count numerous situations from which I have guided my children away. The gossip. The bully. The troublemaker. The liar. We all know exactly what I'm talking about. You take your child to preschool and there is one child there that spits and pushes and kicks and uses "potty mouth" and the next thing you know that is the mother that is calling you to have your child over for a playdate. You suddenly become the busiest family in the history of the world because what are you really going to say? "Your child is mean and unkind and I won't allow my child to engage in that behavior?" Don't we wish we could say that? Instead we lie.

What about those situations when you are friends with the parents of other children? Then you find that you parent your children very differently from your friends. Their kids run all over town with fevers, coughs and snotty noses and don't think twice about bringing them to your home without so much as a warning to you. At that point the friendships will die away because you seem to have something else to do EVERYTIME they are looking to get together. When what we really want to say is, "Please don't bring your child ill to my home." Is that really wrong to say? The kicker is that we shouldn't even have to say it all. Isn't that common sense? All 4 of my children are asthmatics. When they were young, any little cold became an ear infection, upper respiratory infection and sinus infection with weeks and weeks of nebulizing them 4 times a day, oral steriods and antibiotics. But many that didn't have that situation at home didn't understand my situation and unfortunately didn't respect it and labeled me a "germaphobe".

What about the situations when you are invited into a social group of families and the invitations to get together on a regular basis include the kids? Friday and/or Saturday nights are spent hanging out with multiple families and you learn that your children are being bullied in the basement by the host and hostess' child while the adults are on the floor above oblivious to the situation consuming alcoholic beverages and letting the kids fend for themselves. Is this when we say, "The kids aren't getting along very well. Apparently there is some bullying happening between the kids." Or do we just politely begin to decline the invitations until we are no longer invited and become gossiped about now? I know what I chose.

My two oldest children attended public elementary school for a couple of years. After a few "situations" I decided to homeschool. There was a scenario that one of my children was being bullied on the playground. It went on for weeks. My son was being held down, taking his shoes off and they played "Keep Away" with his shoes. After about 3 weeks of questioning him repeatedly about why his socks looked like that everyday he finally confessed to me what was happening to him at school. But that is not what hurt - because I know that kids will be kids. It's when I called the school to report it, the Guidance Counselor suggested that they have my son eat his lunch in her office with another student that she would choose to be "kind" to him to help foster a friendship. She informed me that "This is what we do with children who have trouble making friends." My child was being bullied - yet HE was the one they were going to counsel. Interesting tactic. I began homeschooling. I received dozens of phone calls wanting to know why I was homeschooling. I chose not to discuss it with any of those parents because it was private and I was protecting my 8 year old son from further ridicule. They gossiped. I remember one parent saying to me, "You think you are too good for our school?"

Eventually you can't protect them in that way anymore. Children remain so hopeful. So certain that we are wrong in what we are seeing. Years passed dealing with sports teams, evaluations, try-outs etc. We watched parents jockey for positions with coaches and battle for playing time for their kids. We watched parents step up to coach teams to ensure that their kids would play the top level or best positions and subsequently go get all of their child's friends to play together. Some teams almost appeared to be neighborhood against neighborhood. When did recreational sports become so political? Everyone always looking out for themselves. Never remembering it was about the kids. Kids just want to play. They are resilient. But we entered into the world of "everyone gets a trophy" because they participated and their parents forked over $20 each to the coach to buy them a trophy, rather than actually feeling the satisfaction of winning after hard work and practice - or for that matter learning to deal with loss. Because we aren't always going to be winners in life.

We are a wrestling family. All 3 boys wrestle, while Dad coaches. There are no "evaluations" or "cuts". Tryouts in wrestling go like this: 2 kids, same weight class...they wrestle each other. The winner gets the starting spot. The loser can challenge again next week. May the best man win and there is no denying each match who that was. There is a clear winner and a clear loser though it could always change after hardwork and determination. But over the years, my boys have played every sport under the sun with the exception of basketball. Soccer, football, t-ball, baseball, wrestling, golf, lacrosse - been there done that. We follow the rules. Pay our money, shuffle them to all of the evaluations and try-outs, accept whatever the team placement, make all of the practices, never complain about what position they play or how much game time they get. We show up and cheer them on to give them the childhood memories. Because that is what it is all really about. Perhaps I am the only parent that doesn't believe my boys are going to be big professional sports stars after winning their huge college scholarships. I have talked with so many parents that have made decisions to leave sports that their children loved playing because of the circumstances that the kids were playing within. We've all seen the videos of the ranting and raving that goes on now - parents and coaches alike.

This year one of my son's made the A team for football. Our family has never been big on the whole A or B team thing. Because really why does it matter? Do you think that when our kids are grown men in the workplace they are going to strut around to their collegues saying, "Well when I played on the A Travel Select Team for such and such...?" Doubt it. Anyhow, we had encouraged him to play on the B team. We knew based on our past sports encounters, that the whole experience would be less intense if he just played on the B team. As life would have it - he made the A team and insisted on playing there. We tried to convince him otherwise. But he is 12 now and he wouldn't hear of it. So we drive him to practices 5 days a week starting in July, 3 days a week after school starts, buy all of the gear, pads, shoes, equipment, and fill our calendar with weekend dates every single weekend from August to November with games. My husband goes to watch the first scrimmage and for the first 30 minutes, my son stands on the sidelines. Welcome to the A team, son. Should we as parents not have given him the choice? Should we have said B team or nothing? Hard decisions for a parent. Sometimes kids have to learn things by allowing their decisions to sit and let the child live out the consequences.

Right now we are in the midst of another decision. Another scenario where I as a parent can see the big picture that my child cannot. The child sees the smiles and the words said directly to their face. What happens when I as a parent see what happens behind their back? What happens when I am faced with the caddiness of other parents and know that what my child sees isn't reality? I know the truth of the situation. I know that it is an environment of falsehood. My child wants to believe that there is support and friendship on the horizon.

How many times do we watch our children participate in things or forge relationships with people that we know are not positive? That if we are honest, have the capability of being toxic in our lives. I wish I had more courage to walk away when I know a negative experience is about to breach. But when the kids get older, they blame you as the parent for interference. They don't realize that you are the only person on this earth who truly has only their best interest at heart. I wish they knew that no one else will ever love them the way I do and no one else will ever want their happiness and success more than me. But as long as I am standing between them and what they think will make them happy - I will be the bad guy.

I can't change the world. I've learned enough in my time to know that most times I will not go in and fight for my kid against things I know to be wrong - because by myself, I am not going to change one person, let alone a full blown organization or business. I know as a parent I swallow it and all that it is going to be - the good, the bad and the ugly. I always end up praying that there will be more good than ugly. But the truth is that it is what it is. A parent has to decide if they are going to allow their child to find out on their own. But my question is: Is that fair when we are older and wiser?