Not Like Mother, Not Like Daughter

I don't know what I would do without my youngest child and only daughter. Her insight to people and outlook on most things usually surprises me. It is funny how she teaches me so much everyday just by watching how she reacts to life. I am a better person because of her.

She is an old soul in a 10 year old body. Always seeming to size people up pretty quickly and her personality is fairly carefree. She is opinionated and strong willed, very confident and comfortable in her own skin. She is typically laid back and unconcerned with what others may think of her -- basically marching to her own drum. Not me. I am a worry wart. Definitely high maintenance and high strung. Always concerned with how things appear and what people think.

We are in New York City for the next couple of weeks. She is attending a ballet summer intensive camp. She attended this same camp last summer and I attended the teacher portion as I am a ballet instructor in the evenings for a local studio. But this year I had to choose whether I would be a dance teacher or a mom as her program and the teaching program were at different weeks and it would not be ideal to leave my family alone for 4 weeks over the summer. I chose to be a mom and allow my daughter to pursue her love of dance. We walk around the city and I am blown away by her ability. Her ability to be here at such a young age, going into a building not knowing anyone and handling it with such grace - fueled by her passion to dance.

Travelling is not easy for me. I am pretty much a creature of habit and I don't like to be away from home much. I have some physical limitations that I have suffered with for nearly 25 years of sickness. Having issues of that nature always make travelling difficult and uncomfortable.

Over the years, I have tried to venture out and do as much as I possibly can for my kids. For 25 years, I was diagnosed with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and was told this was brought on from stress. It was something I was ashamed of and embarrassed about. Mostly because I felt that it meant that I was some crazy person who couldn't handle life. I never understood why I would become sick, only that I seem to always become sick and spent so much time trying to cover it up so that no one would know. I was told by one of my doctors during the years that I should never tell my children so that I didn't "plant the seed" that they might begin to struggle with the same issues. Since I wouldn't wish this lifestyle upon my worst enemy - I didn't share it with my kids and did everything I could to hide it from them. This always created a vicious cycle for me. It made it harder.

As kids get older they are more observant. They ask more questions and trying to redirect their attention elsewhere becomes transparent. They started asking me why I always get "sick". They were aware of the years of gallbladder pain I endured and watched me make dietary corrections. They knew that if we travelled somewhere I spent most of the time "sick" and never really able to get out and enjoy our destination or time away. Recently, I was shopping with my two middle sons, preparing for our beach vacation and my trip to NYC. They watched me purchase Gas X, Immodium AD, Tums, and Digestive Advantage. The older son finally said, "Mom do have a problem?" Then the younger son added, "Yeah, Mom, are you okay?"

Unhappy with a fast health decline, I changed physicans over the past couple of months and they had begun the process of running tests to figure out why I am the way I am. My husband said, "I've known you for 20 years and you've always been like this." I told him, "It is getting much worse. I think something is really wrong."

Right before I left for NYC they called to tell me that I have Celiac Disease and probably have for the past 25 years. I have a gluten intolerance and a wheat allergy. It was never in my head, it was in my gut and completely out of my control. At first I was relieved to know that there was an answer. Unfortunately eliminating gluten from your diet forever is a fairly complex situation. I am learning just how complex as I try to keep myself nourished for 2 weeks while living in a hotel in NYC. It is just about impossible to find 3 gluten free meals each day for 2 weeks. I ordered a salad last night and became ill this morning. Guess I'll be living off of the box of Rice Chex I stashed in the hotel room. Ugh.

My daughter is now completely aware of my issue and is constantly worried about me here. She wants to make sure that I am getting something to eat and drink and asking me how I feel. She sees me search through my pharmaceutical bag for the next needed medication. She chimes into help.

It is so hard. I want to be the carefree mom that can just pick up and go and enjoy her time here. But I can't. I am doing all that I can to suck it up so that my daughter doesn't feel burdened by my problem. She is worried about me when she should be focused on herself right now. When we arrived on our first day she asked my husband, "What happens if something happens to Mom? What do I do?" It was the first time that it ever occurred to her. But it is exactly what I have thought about each time I have to leave the house.

I wanted to cry when we first got here. I wanted to go home so badly. Home is safe. I can control carefully what I eat and not be so sick - and if anything did happen, well I was home. But that isn't what Moms do. Moms find a way to make things happen for our children even when they are near impossible for us to do. A mom loves her child that much. So, I pop some Tums, sip some water, watch the clock in the hotel room and try to decide when or if I should eat anything knowing what time I need to pick up and drop off my daughter.

This morning she was nervous to find out what level she had been placed in after auditions yesterday. She talked about going home and not staying if things didn't turn out well. In my mind I thought, "That would be heaven." But instead I heard something else flow from my lips. "We'll see. No matter what level they place you in, you should respect it. You should find out what it is that they want you to work on and do it. Don't go home upset. Accept the challenge."

I couldn't even believe I said it. I was encouraging her to stay at all costs. Even knowing it was nearly killing me to be here. After I left her at the studio I walked back to the hotel hoping that maybe at some point I might be able to eat or drink something before returning this afternoon to pick her up. So far...I haven't.

When people asked me what plans I had made while being in the City alone for 2 weeks, I didn't know what to say because I knew my limitations. However, over the course of this summer, some wonderful blessings have been bestowed upon me, especially my new writing job. Writing doesn't require me to be out and about anywhere. All I need to do is settle in and type. So the good news is that I have alot of writing work to do while I am here. So I may not be out running around the streets of New York, but I don't need to feel bad about that. God gave me something that I can completely manage while my girl is out there doing her thing. I can write til my heart's content.

She is everything that I am not. She is strong. She is fearless. She is brave and confident. I have said on numerous occasions over the years...when I grow up I want to be Caroline. Because I see all the things in her that I wish I was. I watch her and learn. I knew I would be a spectator on this trip. But as I sit here typing this, I realize I AM doing it. We are here despite everything. I am encouraging her even though I want to be home. I am putting her needs before my own because I want what is best for her. Those words that I spoke to her applied just as much to me. "Don't go home upset. Accept the challenge." I will get through these next 2 weeks because I am fueled by the passion of Motherhood. Think I'll have some Ginger Ale now.