First Day of School

You know I’ve done this before – so why does it keep getting harder?

Today Son #1 drove us to the first day of school. Son #2 was in the backseat- headed to his first day of high school. I don’t think I have ever had emotions all over the map like I did this morning. It really came out of nowhere.

They were in great spirits this morning. Up early. Packed up. Ready to go. The oldest was ready to drive – pulling the car out of the garage chomping at the bit. Son #2 talked about the new people he would meet today. (I’m pretty sure that he was referring mostly to the girls – but for my sake we won’t go there.) They even let me take pictures of them for the first day of school. They took picture after picture with goofy smiles and faces. They were truly happy.

Riding there we were making all kinds of jokes about Son #1’s driving. We laughed and laughed. We listened to the morning talk shows and laughed at their bizarre statements and the banter between us was carefree and easy. Yet I could feel the lump building in my throat. It just doesn’t seem possible that it was the start of another school year and that I now had two in high school. I thought about how fast the last two years went and where we would be in another two years. My mind drifted between being present in the anticipation and lost in my own thoughts.

Yesterday we were getting their things together for the big day and I was trying to have a bit of a “moment” with Son #2. I explained to him how important his freshman year would be. We talked about setting grade point averages, having goals and thinking more long term than the next day. He looked at me and said, “I’m really pretty excited about school tomorrow, Mom. I’m looking forward to it actually.” He talked about how unorganized he had been the prior year and he really wanted things to be different. It was inspiring.

Later that evening it was time to spend a bit of time with Son #1 while organizing binders and talking about the next day’s schedule. He also looked at me and said, “I’m ready to go back to school. I’m pretty excited about starting a new year and being an upperclassman.” Hmm.

It was all that a mother could hope for - To know that she was sending her kids into a positive environment that they were happy to be a part of. Yet each time they said those words, I felt so incredibly sad. Why didn’t they still want to be home? Did this mean that they were unhappy at home? Was it somewhere they were trying to escape and school was even better than being home?

I thought about school orientation a couple of days ago. It was a great day. The three of us headed out to meet new people and greet familiar faces. Son #1 would introduce Son #2 to his teachers. Compliments were swirling around us all with the faculty so upbeat and nurturing. The boys high-fived teammates and friends all over the campus and Son #1 was proud to introduce his little brother. I left the boys there for football practice and drove home feeling confident that they were in a great place and feeling very blessed. I didn’t feel sad at all. I was energized. I called my mom high on life talking a mile a minute sharing all of the details of our wonderful morning. I have happy, outgoing teenagers who are loving their lives right now. They are experiencing the epitome of adolescence and are right where they should be in this stage of the game. Being away from home and more on their own is the natural progression and this isn’t new to me. So what happened during the last 48 hours to make me feel so emotional?

It’s simple really. It just goes fast. The older the kids get the faster it goes. As a parent, you plan your entire life around those kids. You live for them. They give you purpose. They dictate your daily routine. In fact, their presence in your life forges a new path with each new stage of life that they encounter. I realize that I wouldn’t be where I am in my life without them. So I guess that prompted the question – “Where will I be in my life when I AM without them?”

I always wanted to be a Mom. Never wanted anything more. But when I had dreams of being a Mother, I dreamt of cradling babies, baking cookies with my toddlers, trips to the zoo with my 4 year old, dance recitals, little league games and big family holidays. I didn’t think far enough ahead. I didn’t dream of teenagers driving or shopping for colleges. I prepared for their coming. I never considered their going. It just seemed so far away.

…But it’s not. The time that I have with them is so short in the grand scheme. I’m only given so much time to keep my chicks in my nest before they start flapping their wings to see what is outside of it. I guess the first day of school is always a gentle reminder of that.