What is your plan?

So my oldest has entered his junior year of high school. This is a big year. Not only is he an upperclassman now but with that the timing of his high school career is beginning to point in the college bound direction rather quickly now.

From the beginning of his attending high school we discussed his plan and what he was thinking about long term. I can't say that there was anything concrete about his plans. He's talked of the Robotics and engineering field and also flipped back to journalism, as he is a writer like myself. He has changed his mind about college, majors and career paths several times. But at the age of 14 that is to be expected.

But now he is 16. I recently received an email from the guidance counselor at his school. It was sent to the parents of all juniors and seniors. It referenced SATs, college fairs, college visits, open houses and scholarships. As I read this email, it was hard to believe that we were talking about my son. I felt a bit fuzzy. I tried to focus but had trouble grasping that these were issues that my son needed to address. Those carefree childhood days were fading into his past as the world was asking him to grow up and press onward.

I briefly commented to him that these things were hanging out there and that this year would be the year that we needed to look into college visits, applications and that he should participate in some practice SAT testing. He looked at me and this guy who usually carries himself with teenage self-assurance appeared lost. In the softest of voices, he spoke. "Mom, I don't want to leave home yet. I'm not ready to leave home yet. I can't imagine that it is time for me to do that. How can I make any decisions about this? How am I supposed to make decisions like this now?" I felt badly for him. I thought, "Boy, do I remember that feeling well..."

I was a junior in high school myself as my guidance counselor, Mr. Chambers, called me into his office to meet with him. He was a wonderful man. Such a good heart. He had looked out for me during my high school years and he was now ready to guide me into my college days. I'll never forget the conversation.

Mr. Chambers: "What plans have you made for college?"

Me: "Um. None."

Mr. Chambers: "Well, what do you think you would like to major in?"

Me: "I haven't really considered it."

Mr. Chambers: "What do you love to do? What are your interests? Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

Me: "I really want to be a mom. I want to have a big family."

Mr. Chambers: "Well that is not something we can really help you with. How about if we think more short term...like what do you think you'll do until you find a husband?"

Me: "I don't know what I should do."

Mr. Chambers: "What about dance? You're very active in dance. Or English? You are a wonderful writer. Perhaps you could just consider a Liberal Arts school."

Me: "I will think about everything you said."

I went home and I sent away for information to University of Maryland, Rutgers, Hofstra, Towson State, Goucher, Shenandoah Conservatory among others. I thought long and hard about decisions that I knew I had to make. My friends were choosing schools far away. They all seemed like they knew exactly what they wanted out of life and what they wanted to be. The only thing I felt that way about was being a Mom. Did I love dance? Sure! But I didn't consider a professional career in dance. Did I love to write? Absolutely! But I couldn't imagine writing everyday about something that I wasn't passionate about or even under a pressing deadline.

So here I am literally 25 years later helping my son face the same set of circumstances. It seems impossible to expect a 16 year old to have an idea about how they would like to spend the rest of their life. Because in essence that is what we are asking of our teens isn't it? Are we saying, "How do you think you would like to get up and go to work everyday to pay your bills and whomever you have chosen or created to be a part of the family that you will provide for the next 50 years of your life." How many 16 year olds jump up and shout, "OOOh! I know! I know! Ask me!"

So I hear myself asking the same questions as Mr. Chambers. "Well, let's think about your interests. Your strengths. Your hobbies. What do you want out of your life?" These are huge concepts. Especially when if truth be told, the kid can't remember to take out the garbage, bring up his laundry or make his bed without being reminded numerous times. I feel bad for him actually. I wouldn't want to relive that time of my life again. I remember feeling like the world was on my shoulders.

The other day a friend from my past posted a status on Facebook. She was in nursing school and doing very well. She and I worked together at a law firm back in the day when that was our first real job in the world. Twenty something years later, she finally knew what she wanted to do. I think that is more common than not. My mother has been joking for 40 years that when she grows up she wants to be Linda Ronstadt. Seriously, it can take a lifetime to know what you want to do with your lifetime.

How many of us end up doing something that we were truly passionate about? Something that we chose at the age of 16 that we would embrace and spend a lifetime pursuing? From my vantage point - not too many. Most times we somehow end up down a path that seemed the easiest or most convenient at the time. The school that was the closest. Chosen the class that we did well in without putting forth much effort. My husband was a Finance major in college. Upon graduation, he went into sales. He is turning 50 this week and guess who is still in sales? There was no career in Finance. He learned that he could make money quickly and in a decent quantity to provide for a family in sales. He has had a wonderfully successful career and I am thankful for the man and provider that he has been - but when he was 16, he surely didn't think - "I can't wait to sell computer software to the government! I know that is what I am meant to do!"

Yet 30 years later, this is his life. His career. There is no turning back now. He talks to the kids about finding your passion. Something that means something to you. Owning your own business. Being able to live a lifestyle that is important to you or providing for a family that you may be given one day. But they don't get that. Not at 16. Who does?

I have talked with my boys about my own choices in life. I did get married and have a large family very young. It was wonderful that that worked out for me. My friends were getting their Masters degrees and moving across the country, exploring new jobs and meeting new people during the decade that I was giving birth to four children. I had moments that I felt I was a failure in comparison to their accomplishments. But it was my path. It wasn't until I was 35 that things that had been my passions were able to become paid jobs for me. I have been able to study ballet and receive my teaching certifications and begin writing for a magazine but not until 20 years after I had to "choose a direction", gave birth to 4 children,and was a stay at home homeschooling mother for so many years.

My step daughter is also a great example of what happens in real life. She attended community college for 2 years. She really had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. Eventually she was accepted to Salisbury for her junior year of college. She began to get fantastic grades as she decided she wanted to get into the business school. She was accepted into the business school and had her first job lined up working for a government contractor with a high starting salary before she had even graduated. But when she was 16, she was directionless...clueless. In fact, I'm not even sure that she cared. Funny, she has been working at this job for a little over a year and calls to tell her father and I how unhappy she is with this job and is already ready to move on. At the age of 24 she is still trying to figure out what she wants to do. Because that is the natural progression of things. It is an evolution of sorts.

So while I know that my teens are expected to make choices right now, I try to counsel them that we are all on our own paths. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. I understand that asking them to fully comprehend their lives in this magnitude is impossible. I remind them to keep their minds open and do the very best that they can do in school to at least provide them with a foundation for the next step. I don't need declarations of Ivy League schools, sports scholarships, or even a life plan of any sort. I need them to go with their hearts. I need them to dig deep and strive hard and know that they can do anything they put their minds to. But most importantly, I want them to know that none of it is for me, or their father, we've created our lives and chosen our own paths and it is time for them to do the same. I want them to wake up with a sense of purpose each day and I want their lifelong happiness.